The Awkward In-Between

Writer by day. Secret agent by night.

I have this really bad habit, guys.

It isn't biting my fingernails, though I definitely do that. Is it really a "bad" thing, anyway?

Nor is it leaving the toilet seat up after I use the restroom. Because I love my wife like that.

And in case the thought crossed your mind, I don't live a double-life as a secret agent. Well, there was that one time...

No, my bad habit is far beyond any of these ridiculous things. It's not something I'm proud of, either, which I suppose is why I haven't shared it yet. It's one of those things that I keep tucked away in my mind, for nobody else to see. It's like a club that only me, myself, and I have a membership to, and we haven't been accepting new members since... forever.

And at this point, you can probably see that I'm stalling.

So, at the risk of losing every friend I've ever had, I'll spill. But you have to pinky-promise not to judge me too much.

Here it is:

A lot of times, I don't believe my friends when they tell me things.

Okay, so that doesn't sound so awful. But let me give you an example.

Let's say a good friend of mine told me that he hasn't been feeling well. Unless he shows me the thermometer that read his fever, as well as a second one verifying the first, I struggle to empathize. Especially if he's good at hiding it, in which case I usually tend to believe he's trying to get "out" of something.

Now it still may not sound that awful, but it gets worse (in my mind, at least).

You see, I suffer from chronic illness. I sleep with oxygen at night and do breathing treatments and chest physiotherapy every day. But frankly, I don't want my disease to define who I am, so I try my best to hide it. Now, mind you, my rolling backpack does make people wonder why I don't carry a bag like everyone else, but I don't typically draw attention to myself when I don't feel well.

Like this past week or two. I've been so tired. All. The. Time. And I want people to believe me so badly. But they don't seem to have any sympathy, because I'm still going to school and I'm still working on this huge paper we have due in two weeks. By all accounts, I'm normal. And hey, who isn't tired in college?

But I want people to know it's different for me. It's the worst kind of double-standard. I expect people to believe me and to sympathize with me, but I have the hardest time giving people I love the benefit of the doubt.

Somewhere alone the line, I fed into the lie that I matter more than they do. 

And maybe that's the real confession here. 

I know it seems like I have it all together when I write, and that may be true. Writing is a place of solace and serenity for me. I can shed my suckiness and dress myself in a facade of words. And that's nice, for a moment or two. Until I realize that my writing can't heal me from who I am.

But when the words are stripped away, and it's me and you, the truth is, I'm not any better than you are. You and I, we both have our struggles. We both have our successes. We both have our ups, downs, and awkward in-betweens.

And right now, I find myself in that awkward in-between. I don't feel well, but I'm still healthy enough to live somewhat normally (besides being a 22 year old on oxygen). So I ask you to accept me where I am, even if you don't totally understand it. And I pinky-promise you that I'll try to understand when you're there too.

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Questions: Do you have any bad habits? How do they affect your daily life? Can you sympathize with my struggle here? Why do you think we often set double-standards for those we love the most?

Did you enjoy this post? If so, I'd appreciate you subscribing to Life Before the Bucket and sharing it with your friends. Thanks a million for reading!

photo credit: mzacha - sxc.hu

Woman Talk

Don't forget about the guest post series we're starting up! I've gotten a few great submissions, but I'm definitely looking for more! Don't be shy! Write 'em up and send 'em my way!

Just out of curiosity... how many languages do you know?

5? 7? 2?

Or do you just know 1? (Hopefully no one knows less than that)

I think a lot of us fall under the same category that I'm in: a language "sampler."We know bits and pieces of about 10 different languages, but if we had to survive in a country that spoke any of them, we'd die.

It's not a bad thing. It's just how things are.

For instance, I know bits and pieces of Spanish, French, Chinese, and Krio. I also doknow how to read Ancient Greek, but that's about as useful when speaking as knowing how to swim while standing on your head.

However, what I didn't realize until just recently is that I'm slowly learning a new language.

What's funny about this new language I'm learning is that it isn't really voluntary. I'm being immersed in it every day, without reprieve. But I need to know it to survive. And many others out there are going through the same thing right now. Some have only been learning for a few days, and others for decades. But none of us will ever truly master the language known as...

Woman talk.

I know what you might be thinking (if you're a woman, anyway). "We don't speak a different language! Guys just don't listen!" And you're probably right. But in our defense, we don't listen because we don't understand! It's like planting us in Japan and expecting us to navigate. It just doesn't work.

You girls speak a different language! 

I have proof, too. Anecdotal proof, but proof nonetheless.

You see, my wife is a beast and loves to run. She's about 37 billion times more in shape than I am. And that's no exaggeration. So she tries to go running everyday.

One day, she went to go running right before we were about to leave to go somewhere. She looks at me as she's leaving, and woman talk starts pouring out of her mouth. It sounded something like, "I’m running 3 miles and then I want to leave." But I'm a woman talk rookie, so I can't be 100% sure. I've consulted experts, and they're still baffled.

Thankfully, though, God blessed me with a wife who knows that I'm as dumb as a rock when it comes to understanding what she's saying. So when that inevitable blank, confused stare passed from my eyes to hers, she nodded in understanding and translated for me.

What she said: "I'm running 3 miles and then I want to leave."

What she meant: "Shower while I'm gone."

Now just look at that. How could any sane human grasp such a ridiculous language? There's no pattern! It makes no sense! What does her running have to do with my personal hygiene?! I haven't a clue!

If you're a guy and you're reading this, you know what I mean. You're nodding your head in understanding as you read, and you're probably trying to figure out a way to crack their code. Don't worry, fellas, it can't be done. I've only been married 2 years and I know that much.

If you're a girl and you're reading this, you're probably shaking your head in disapproval. It seems obvious to you that when my wonderful wife told me she was going running, she meant that she wanted me to shower. It makes total sense to you! However, it does not, and will never, make sense to us guys. So be patient with us.

We're learning. Slowly... Very, very slowly.

(Crud. My wife just left to go run. Better get in the shower!) 

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Questions: Have you ever experienced something like this? Does your spouse sometimes say something that you know means something else? Any funny stories worth sharing about this? 

Did you enjoy this post? If so, I'd appreciate you subscribing to Life Before the Bucket and sharing it with your friends. Thanks a million for reading!

Disclaimer: This was a repost from June of 2011.

Are We Selfish?

Have you ever been in a class that you could never predict? You know, the one with the zany professor who always has something new up his sleeve? Didn't that class drive you crazy?

Well, my friends, for me that is my Elementary Statistics class. Oh me, oh my.

First of all, our professor is an ex-MLB player. That should be enough to make you wonder. But it gets better.

I secretly think our professor also wants to be a preacher, because somehow, someway, he always manages to segue into a spiritual conversation (even though we're supposed to be talking about "math"). 

Last week was one of his best days, though. We began class by watching three "music" videos. I'll save you some excruciating pain and just let you know that one of them was called "Where's the Line for Jesus?" I can't link to it with a good conscience, so I'll let you find it for yourself. Oh, the horror...

The third one we watched was pretty intense, though. It's worth me sharing with you, so here it is, in its entirety:

Now I don't claim to agree with every word this guy says, but his delivery is unique, to say the least. One of his lines hit me square on the forehead, though, as I sat twiddling my thumbs in my Stats class. Skip to 2:57 in the video to hear it. And on the off chance you're lazy and don't do that, here's what he says:

"Even your good acts are an extension of your selfishness."

Now normally I would have shrugged off this video as another one of this class's weird quirks. But, because of another class I've already had, that quote wouldn't let go of me. So I had to address it.

We try and we try to be good. Whether we're influenced by the God we believe in or by our personal moral ethic, most of us strive to be "good" people. We help others out, give to those who are poor, and sacrifice ourselves to love those around us.

And if you're not at a place where that's a regular part of your life, I'd love to hear why.

Undoubtedly, though, Christians are among worst offenders. We wear our good deeds like Girl Scout badges.

"Can you believe I spent a week there?"

 "I sacrificed my summer without pay to do this."

"Well I support a child through this or that program - they'd be hopeless without me!"

And keep in mind, I'm keeping this inclusive. My hands as red with guilt as anyone else's.

It's clear to everyone but ourselves that we're anything but selfless. "Even our good acts are an extension of our selfishness," remember? Something tells me you don't like hearing that. I didn't either when I first heard it over a year ago. It didn't seem to mesh with my view of the world and myself, so I threw it out and didn't give it a second thought. But somewhere inside of me, I knew its premise to be true.

In one of my past classes, we studied a wide variety of theories concerning families. One of those theories was known as Social Exchange Theory. We all threw a fit when we heard about it, because we didn't want it to be true. Basically, it posits that every decision we make is weighed by a cost-benefit analysis. We think, "What will this cost me?" and "What will I gain?" as we strive to make everyday decisions in life.

For instance:

Say I decide I want to spend a night with friends instead of my wife.

Cost: A night with the love of my wife that I'll never have back.

Gain: A potentially fun night that I'll always remember with my friends.

For you, this might look different in the exact same situation. But that's basically how I weigh it, and about 85% of the time, I choose my wife, because I really like her (in case there was any doubt).

The same kind of thing happens when we decide to do a "good deed."

For example:

Say you're asked to serve at a soup kitchen, giving out food to the poor.

Cost: Some time and maybe a little dignity (if that sort of thing shames you).

Here's where the controversy lies.

Gain: A good feeling. Another good-deed badge on your figurative Girl Scout vest. Or maybe the food that you get to choose from after you're done handing out food to others.

Replace any situation with the one given - I guarantee you'll find the same thing. It's nearly impossible to escape. Consider this: even Jesus being crucified (something a lot of people consider the highest form of selflessness) was for something.

Doesn't it drive you crazy? You don't want this idea of Exchange Theory to be true, but as far as we can see, it is.

So why don't you give in to it? Why don't you want to admit it's right and that you do everything for yourself in some way?

Oh, that's right. Because it would make your "selfless acts" null and void. When you stand before Jesus, you'll have nothing to cling to. And that's exactly the point.

Even our good deeds are an extension of our selfishness.

Why do you think Jesus was sent to be crucified in the first place? There's was nothing we could do about our standing before God. And heck, there still isn't anything we can do. We can prop up our good deeds all we want, but once we remove their shell, what's left behind is nothing more than a menagerie of our ugly, broken selfishness. To Jesus, they're worth nothing more than rusty old Girl Scout badges.

It sucks. Your good deeds aren't inherently "good." But the truth is, they were never meant to be. So don't walk away slumped over, shaking your head about how hopeless we are. For we have hope.

Keep fighting the fight. Keep running the race. 

And remember, even though you're doing good things and think you're a good person, this was never about you in the first place. It was never supposed to be. Keep doing those good things; I never said they were wrong. But stop fooling yourself into thinking that they're good, that you're good, or that they somehow make you good. That couldn't be further from the truth.

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Questions: How does this jive with you? Do you get angry when you hear about Exchange Theory? Or have you been nodding your head all along the way? What do you think your reaction to it says about yourself? Does this mean we should never do "good" deeds anymore?

Did you enjoy this post? If so, I'd appreciate you subscribing to Life Before the Bucket and sharing it with your friends. Thanks a million for reading!

photo credit: igoghost - sxc.hu

Living to the Fullest

When I started this blog a year and a half ago, I wasn't sure what to make of it.

I didn't think I'd be posting regularly, but I also wanted people to read and to share their thoughts.

Both of those things, though, seem to have come (at least partially) true.

I think that we've really lacked something around here, though. And no, I'm not talking about a time machine (though I'm working on it).

What I'm talking about is a decent guest post series. Sound interesting? Keep reading.

I'd like to feature pieces from people just like YOU, whether you're a blogger or not, about how you personally live life to the fullest. I'm looking for a lot of different perspectives, so don't be afraid to think outside the box on this one.

If you're interested, here are the steps you should take:

1) Write about a time you've lived life to the fullest or how you regularly live an abundant life. Basically, if it sorta, kinda fits this idea, I'll probably like it.

2) Make sure it's less than 750 words - because that's about my attention span.

3) E-mail your post to me... now! Here's my e-mail: awaller1990@gmail.com. 

4) I'll respond with any ideas/edits I have and when I'd like to post it. I reserve the right to deny a request for guest posting, but that'll probably only happen if you make fun of my beard.

I'd like to start featuring posts next week, if possible, so let's make it happen, people! And if you aren't sure what to write about, get up from your computer, step away, and live a little - and then write about it! Simple enough? Great. Can't wait to hear from you!

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Questions: Do you think you'll submit a guest post? Why or why not? What will you write about?

Did you enjoy this post? If so, I'd appreciate you subscribing to Life Before the Bucket and sharing it with your friends. Thanks a million for reading!

Win of the Week

It's Friday, Friday. Gotta get down on Friday...

The not-so-official Win of the Week mascot

Just kidding.

We don't do the Rebecca Black around here. Nope. We've got something much better up our sleeves.

Around here, we celebrate because we've been given the gift of another week passed. We celebrate milestones. We celebrate the insignificant, because we find it significant. We're sharing our win of the week.

This week hasn't been very exciting for me. Call it a post-birthday week letdown. Mostly, I've worked on our final Senior Paper, which seems like a big deal, but really isn't. And I suppose I've learned something from the experience, especially this week.

As I've watched people stress and fret over these passages of Scripture we're examining, I've found myself confused. Why are they stressing? What's to fret about? I see people staying hours and hours and hours on end in the library, only to take a stack of books home with them to work on. What's the point? Is that really living?

I've found that, though I'm not organized in most things, I seem to be able to organize my time well and not allow my schoolwork to bleed into my time to work out, eat, sleep, or be with my wife. These are all things that are higher on my priority list than our paper, and for that, I'm grateful.

So I'm calling this my win of the week. I've learned to be disciplined and not to overwork myself, and that's a skill that most people struggle to learn. Sure, we work, work, work. But what about rest? What about play? What about life?

I can only thank God that he's exposed me to an assignment this ridiculous so I can get my priorities straight.

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So what about you? What was your win of the week? Leave a comment that says "My win of the week was..." and it might just get shared on the Life Before the Bucket Facebook or Twitter page!

If you enjoy what you've read, I'd appreciate you subscribing to Life Before the Bucket and sharing this post with your friends. Thanks a million for reading!