Our Secret to Life and Marriage

So you want to know the secret to living a great life? Or even to having a great marriage?

First, let's make sure you're willing to take our advice.

After all, we've only been alive for 22 years. Like most people, we weren't really cognizant of the first 4-5 years, though, so we've really only been alive 17. And then, if you average in about 8 hours of sleep a night, we've only been awake for about 11 years.

So basically, you're listening to the advice of an 11 year old.

Still with me? Then I suppose you're truly interested. Keep reading!

Now if you're looking for advice for a happy, healthy marriage, take this into consideration: I've known my wife for about 7 years now. So that's about half of our cognizant lifetime (mentioned above). We've been dating/engaged/marriage for almost 6 of those years. We spent the other year making each other's lives miserable.

Beyond that, we've only been married for about 3 years. And again, we're only 22.

So you're looking for advice from someone who's basically an infant in marriage.

Now that I've discredited myself in every way, are you still with me? Well, then, I suppose you're still genuinely interested in what I have to say.

Our secret isn't a trick or gimmick. It's nothing new or fancy. It's not even particularly difficult. However, it is an everyday event. It does take time, investment, and genuine care. It requires an interest in your partner that is beyond almost any other interest you have. It actually requires you to love them in action, and not just in word. 

If you're looking for a quick-fix to your problems, this isn't it. Problems require time and genuine caring and love.

If you're looking for a way to skirt through your life and marriage without any problems, this definitely isn't it. And if that is the case, you have an entirely different set of problems that need addressing by someone more qualified than myself.

If you're looking for a guaranteed way to avoid conflict, this most certainly isn't it. If you want a conflict-free life or marriage, you should be a dog. Dogs don't seem to have much conflict in their lives. Us humans live with other humans and that, by its very nature, causes conflict.

So what is it, you ask? What's our secret to a happy life and a healthy marriage?

Our secret is this:

We keep learning new things every day. 

What's that? You're disappointed? No trumpets sounding from heaven? 

Well, I hate to break it to you, but life isn't about quick-fixes or easy solutions. There's nothing neat and clean about our "secret." It's not like you can learn one new fact a day and be guaranteed a happy life.

And as for marriage, well, have you ever really thought of this in that regard? I'm sure we've all heard at some point or another to learn something new every day. But how does this apply to marriage?

You see, I've heard it time and time again: people divorcing because the other spouse "changed." They claim that their wife/husband isn't the person they originally married.

Truth be told, none of us are who we were even yesterday. Even physically - our bodies are completely renewed every seven years. So we shouldn't be surprised that our spouses have changed. That's the nature of being a living, breathing human being. That change is inevitable. How we handle it determines how successful our lives and our marriages are.

In regards to life, there are a million different ways you can keep learning. The Internet is an amazing place filled with some amazing (and not-so amazing) knowledge and wisdom. I stumbled on a site recently that  can help point you in the right direction. But on the off chance that you're lazy and don't look there, you can simply check out TED Talks. There, you'll find hours and hours and hours of knowledge - all for free!

In regards to marriage, there are also several methods to make sure you keep learning about your spouse. I'll suggest one here that we've recently started doing.

In order to keep learning about your spouse as they change, grow, shift, and mold into an entirely different person, you have to keep learning about them. And in order to learn about them, you need to ask questions and actually have conversations. We've found a unique way to do this:

Step 1 - Find a notebook. Any old notebook will do, as long as it's empty.

Step 2 - Write a question or two for your spouse. Nothing is out of bounds - you're married, for crying out loud!

Step 3 - Answer those questions about yourself. Be honest, open, and thoughtful. Otherwise, you're defeating the purpose of this entire exercise.

Step 4 (this is my favorite) - Hide that sucker. Of course, you should hide it somewhere they can find it, but be creative. I recently hid our notebook in the kitchen cabinet, because my wife loves cooking. But don't cheat and tell them where it is - that's half the fun of this!

Again, this is one of several ideas to keep learning about your partner. But if you intentionally do this, you'll find that you're changing along with your spouse, and you won't be so confused when, 10 years down the road, you're both different people. It's bound to happen. It's up to you whether or not it's going to be a surprise.

Now, like I said earlier, this isn't a quick fix for life or for your marriage. I can't guarantee that this will drastically alter either. However, I think a lot can be said for small changes like this, especially in the fast-paced world we live in today.

If you end up doing this notebook exercise, I'd like to hear from you. How did it go? Where did you hide your notebook? What kind of questions did you ask?

And for the rest of you who aren't married: keep learning about the world you live in. We live in an incredible time where knowledge is readily available and easily accessible. We'd be crazy not to take advantage of it.

We might just find, as we learn, that we'll grow into the people we truly want to become, and the people we become are people the world (and our spouse) truly needs.

... ... ...

Questions: What's the best advice you've ever been given about life or marriage? How do you keep learning? What are some other ways to continue learning about your spouse?

Did you enjoy this post? If so, I'd appreciate you subscribing to Life Before the Bucket and sharing it with your friends. Thanks a million for reading!

Woman Talk

Don't forget about the guest post series we're starting up! I've gotten a few great submissions, but I'm definitely looking for more! Don't be shy! Write 'em up and send 'em my way!

Just out of curiosity... how many languages do you know?

5? 7? 2?

Or do you just know 1? (Hopefully no one knows less than that)

I think a lot of us fall under the same category that I'm in: a language "sampler."We know bits and pieces of about 10 different languages, but if we had to survive in a country that spoke any of them, we'd die.

It's not a bad thing. It's just how things are.

For instance, I know bits and pieces of Spanish, French, Chinese, and Krio. I also doknow how to read Ancient Greek, but that's about as useful when speaking as knowing how to swim while standing on your head.

However, what I didn't realize until just recently is that I'm slowly learning a new language.

What's funny about this new language I'm learning is that it isn't really voluntary. I'm being immersed in it every day, without reprieve. But I need to know it to survive. And many others out there are going through the same thing right now. Some have only been learning for a few days, and others for decades. But none of us will ever truly master the language known as...

Woman talk.

I know what you might be thinking (if you're a woman, anyway). "We don't speak a different language! Guys just don't listen!" And you're probably right. But in our defense, we don't listen because we don't understand! It's like planting us in Japan and expecting us to navigate. It just doesn't work.

You girls speak a different language! 

I have proof, too. Anecdotal proof, but proof nonetheless.

You see, my wife is a beast and loves to run. She's about 37 billion times more in shape than I am. And that's no exaggeration. So she tries to go running everyday.

One day, she went to go running right before we were about to leave to go somewhere. She looks at me as she's leaving, and woman talk starts pouring out of her mouth. It sounded something like, "I’m running 3 miles and then I want to leave." But I'm a woman talk rookie, so I can't be 100% sure. I've consulted experts, and they're still baffled.

Thankfully, though, God blessed me with a wife who knows that I'm as dumb as a rock when it comes to understanding what she's saying. So when that inevitable blank, confused stare passed from my eyes to hers, she nodded in understanding and translated for me.

What she said: "I'm running 3 miles and then I want to leave."

What she meant: "Shower while I'm gone."

Now just look at that. How could any sane human grasp such a ridiculous language? There's no pattern! It makes no sense! What does her running have to do with my personal hygiene?! I haven't a clue!

If you're a guy and you're reading this, you know what I mean. You're nodding your head in understanding as you read, and you're probably trying to figure out a way to crack their code. Don't worry, fellas, it can't be done. I've only been married 2 years and I know that much.

If you're a girl and you're reading this, you're probably shaking your head in disapproval. It seems obvious to you that when my wonderful wife told me she was going running, she meant that she wanted me to shower. It makes total sense to you! However, it does not, and will never, make sense to us guys. So be patient with us.

We're learning. Slowly... Very, very slowly.

(Crud. My wife just left to go run. Better get in the shower!) 

... ... ...

Questions: Have you ever experienced something like this? Does your spouse sometimes say something that you know means something else? Any funny stories worth sharing about this? 

Did you enjoy this post? If so, I'd appreciate you subscribing to Life Before the Bucket and sharing it with your friends. Thanks a million for reading!

Disclaimer: This was a repost from June of 2011.

An Important Lesson Learned

This post is part of my weekly Time for Honesty. I do my best to share something that's on my heart that is honest, sincere, and transparent - something that will get you thinking and get you to be honest with yourself.

There’s a few things that I’ve learned about myself in the last 21 years: 

1. I’m skinny. Ridiculously so. There’s no getting past that.

2. I tan like nobody’s business… when I have time to get in the sun.

3. I’m very friendly and likeable, for the most part.

Now, as you can imagine, I’m not here to be “honest” about being skinny or about my incredible propensity for getting an awesome tan, though both of those things are very true. Instead, I want to share with you an important lesson I’ve learned first-hand this summer:

It’s okay a good thing if not everybody likes you.

In fact, my mother-in-law said just the other day,

“If everybody likes you, you’re lying to someone.”

 She had no clue how right she was.

She Said Yes!

We went to the library last night and checked out 10 books. TEN! They're due in four weeks. I think I can handle it.

We're goin' to the chapel and we're gonna get marrrrried...

Okay, just kidding. 

Been there, done that. One wedding was enough for me!

Today, two years ago, my wife and I stood before hundreds of people and proclaimed our love for each other. At the ripe, young age of 19, we knew who we wanted to spend the rest of our lives with, and we weren't ashamed.

Too young? Psh.

Too tough? Yeah right.

Too much for a 19 year old to handle? Wrong-o!