The Uncertainty of Being Dory

They say the only thing that never changes in life is change itself.

Life twists, turns, ebbs, and flows as we wade through its currents. Sometimes we're swimming along, content as a clown-fish who has just been reunited with his son - we're thrilled to be like Marlin, from Finding Nemo. Other times, we wander aimlessly, unsure of who we are, where we're from, or where we're going - you could say we're a lot like Dory.

This, my friends, is one of those times when you could call me Dory.

It has been eight months since I last wrote here. That's 240 days. Something like a billion hours (give or take a few million - my math is a little shoddy). And with that time passed several moments in our lives that have radically shifted and shaped who we are today.

In the last eight months, I can't even begin to name all that has happened.

We moved. Again. I was placed as a student therapist at a homeless shelter. We began volunteering and falling in love with Young Life. I discovered the joy that is home-roasting my own coffee. I visited a casino for the first time. We took photos with several wonderful high school seniors and families. I had brain surgery.

And the list goes on.

In all of that change, I felt flustered at times - I wanted life to pause for a second. It's been moving so quickly lately - how am I supposed to enjoy it when I barely know which way is up?

And yet, one thing that has persistently been on my mind - why did I stop writing in that time? Was it because of me? Was it because of you, whoever you are? Was it because of my sickness? Or just because I stopped waking up at the buttcrack of dawn?

I don't have an answer for why I stopped writing. But it doesn't mean I stopped living. And I don't know that I'm "back," so to speak. But I'm here now, in this moment. And I'm enjoying it while I can. I'd like to enjoy it with you, despite all the crazy change that keeps occurring.

Why?

Because in these last eight months, I've learned that "they" are wrong. Change isn't the only constant. In fact, it may be the least important of any constant I can consider.

When I think of the craziness of these past months, and I remember learning to roast my own coffee, having brain surgery, and being placed as an intern at a homeless shelter, I don't remember change. I don't remember chaos. I don't remember the uncertainty of being Dory.

Instead of remembering change, I remember Love. 

When I learned to roast my own coffee, my wife watched with joy from and celebrated with me as I enjoyed my first cup of hand-crafted coffee.

As I was wheeled to the surgery room to be cut open from my head to my stomach, my family and friends were close by in spirit, even as many were no where near the hospital.

And as I discovered where I would be working as a student therapist, my new friends in class celebrated with me, even if I was a bit reluctant about it at first.

My friends, the last eight months haven't been perfect. They've been painful. They've been chaotic. They've been, at times, unbearable. But in all that pain, in all that chaos, and in all that change, I have discovered the one constant that has been there all along - and not just in the last eight months, but since the beginning of time.

So though I may feel like Dory today, unsure of who I am, where I am, or where I'm going, I know that Love has been by my side all along. I may have felt alone and desperate at times, and I may even feel that way today. But I know that change isn't my only companion; Love is close by - watching, waiting, beckoning.

Because without Love, this whole mess falls apart. Without Love, we lose purpose. And without Love, what more do we have than the cold chaos of change? Thankfully, whether we see it or not, whether we acknowledge its presence or try to sweep it under the rug, Love is with us.

And then again, it always has been, hasn't it?

... ... ...

You guys, the last 8 months have been insane. And I know I'm not the only one, so I'd love to hear from you. Leave me a line in the comments section so I can hear what's been going on in your life lately!

What has changed in your life in the last 8 months? What are some of the ups and downs you've experienced? Where have you seen Love?

image credit: Dory

I'm Getting Old

Alright, I'm not usually one to go on about the weather, but this heat is getting a bit out of control. I thought hurricanes were supposed to cool down the country, not cause a heat stroke!

I've come to a sad realization over the last couple of weeks as school has started: 

I'm getting old, people.

Yeah, yeah. I know. You're probably scrambling, trying to figure out my age so you can decide if I'm crazy. And I'll just help you out here. I'm all of 21 years old. 21 and a half, if we want to get technical.

And sadly, I'm starting to feel old. Why? Well there's a ridiculous number of possibilities.

Possibility #1: I start my day before the sun comes up, which can mean rising from anytime between 4 AM to 6 AM. Around a college town, those are the "forbidden hours." You're only awake because some demented teacher actually wants to push you to learn and grow and actually get something from your $60,000 education. Or because you took a No-Doz a little too late.

Possibility #2: My ridiculously early day doesn't start without coffee. Even today, when my apartment feels like a furnace. If I don't get my coffee (or some ample substitute, for instance, chocolate milk), then please understand why there's a permanent scowl on my face throughout the day.

Possibility #3: If we're going to be obvious here, my lungs are old and decrepit. I do believe my last lung function test described my "Lung Age" as ">84 years old." Ouch.

None of these, though, really make me feel old. I like to think these things make me "unique."

No, it's not until I went to write this blog post that I started to feel old. And then Blogger had to go and say, "Hey, do you want to try out our new interface?" And of course I was curious, so I checked it out.

My first thought?

Why the crap does all this new-fangled stuff keep coming out and all my beloved old stuff keep changing?!

The first indicator of my early-onset old age would probably have to be my unnecessary use of the word "new-fangled." But beyond that...

Seriously, I just can't keep up with everything new! 

First off, it's a new school year. New classes. New teachers. To boot, we have a new system to manage our online classes, which is much more painful as a work-study than as a student. This is followed by other new programs, like Spotify or Google Plus. Or old, reliable programs, like Facebook or Blogger, changing themselves around to look new.

And it's only the second week of school!

So, sadly, I feel myself aging. My initial reaction is frustration, because my heart longs for things to remain where they are. My mind is simply searching for a constant, something, anything that won't change in this world. And frankly, nothing can be found.

So I guess I'm already getting old. In ten or twenty years, I can't even imagine what things are going to be like. I suppose I should probably learn to let go and keep learning. But it's stinking hard.

And gosh darn it, isn't life hard enough without Facebook changing every 2 weeks?!

Question: Have you noticed this trend in your own life? Do you sometimes miss "the way things were?" How have you learned to move on? 

Changing the World

I had a breathing test the other day. I'm not really sure if I should be excited about 26% lung function, but I am!
 
I love hearing people's stories.

I desire to hear other people's thoughts.  

I guess that explains why I want to be a therapist in the future.

It's simply amazing to me how one person's individual reflections can spur on my own thoughts and push me to become more of the person I was meant to be.

This happened a few weeks ago. And it was quite frustrating, in fact.

A Little Change Never Hurt Anyone

I hope, for my sanity, that I never get used to 4:30 AM.

Well, well, well... Something looks a little different, don't you think?

Can't quite put your finger on it?

Maybe it's just you.

Just kidding!

As you can see, things have changed a little here at Life Before the Bucket. There are a few reasons for the redesign (I love lists, if you haven't noticed):

First of all, I get bored easily. That's all there is to it.

Secondly, this blog made me do it. Yup. Held me at gunpoint and everything.

Thirdly (always an awkward word), I checked another goal off of my 111 for 2011.

Fourthly (I'm really starting to doubt the validity of my vocabulary here), things just needed to look a lot more fun around here.

Pretty good reasoning, eh?

But enough about the blog. I want to tell you about the goal I was able to check off of my 111 in 2011!

(This is where you click "Click HERE to Read More!" I know it doesn't look like a link, but you'll just have to trust me, people. Click it!)