The Uncertainty of Being Dory

They say the only thing that never changes in life is change itself.

Life twists, turns, ebbs, and flows as we wade through its currents. Sometimes we're swimming along, content as a clown-fish who has just been reunited with his son - we're thrilled to be like Marlin, from Finding Nemo. Other times, we wander aimlessly, unsure of who we are, where we're from, or where we're going - you could say we're a lot like Dory.

This, my friends, is one of those times when you could call me Dory.

It has been eight months since I last wrote here. That's 240 days. Something like a billion hours (give or take a few million - my math is a little shoddy). And with that time passed several moments in our lives that have radically shifted and shaped who we are today.

In the last eight months, I can't even begin to name all that has happened.

We moved. Again. I was placed as a student therapist at a homeless shelter. We began volunteering and falling in love with Young Life. I discovered the joy that is home-roasting my own coffee. I visited a casino for the first time. We took photos with several wonderful high school seniors and families. I had brain surgery.

And the list goes on.

In all of that change, I felt flustered at times - I wanted life to pause for a second. It's been moving so quickly lately - how am I supposed to enjoy it when I barely know which way is up?

And yet, one thing that has persistently been on my mind - why did I stop writing in that time? Was it because of me? Was it because of you, whoever you are? Was it because of my sickness? Or just because I stopped waking up at the buttcrack of dawn?

I don't have an answer for why I stopped writing. But it doesn't mean I stopped living. And I don't know that I'm "back," so to speak. But I'm here now, in this moment. And I'm enjoying it while I can. I'd like to enjoy it with you, despite all the crazy change that keeps occurring.

Why?

Because in these last eight months, I've learned that "they" are wrong. Change isn't the only constant. In fact, it may be the least important of any constant I can consider.

When I think of the craziness of these past months, and I remember learning to roast my own coffee, having brain surgery, and being placed as an intern at a homeless shelter, I don't remember change. I don't remember chaos. I don't remember the uncertainty of being Dory.

Instead of remembering change, I remember Love. 

When I learned to roast my own coffee, my wife watched with joy from and celebrated with me as I enjoyed my first cup of hand-crafted coffee.

As I was wheeled to the surgery room to be cut open from my head to my stomach, my family and friends were close by in spirit, even as many were no where near the hospital.

And as I discovered where I would be working as a student therapist, my new friends in class celebrated with me, even if I was a bit reluctant about it at first.

My friends, the last eight months haven't been perfect. They've been painful. They've been chaotic. They've been, at times, unbearable. But in all that pain, in all that chaos, and in all that change, I have discovered the one constant that has been there all along - and not just in the last eight months, but since the beginning of time.

So though I may feel like Dory today, unsure of who I am, where I am, or where I'm going, I know that Love has been by my side all along. I may have felt alone and desperate at times, and I may even feel that way today. But I know that change isn't my only companion; Love is close by - watching, waiting, beckoning.

Because without Love, this whole mess falls apart. Without Love, we lose purpose. And without Love, what more do we have than the cold chaos of change? Thankfully, whether we see it or not, whether we acknowledge its presence or try to sweep it under the rug, Love is with us.

And then again, it always has been, hasn't it?

... ... ...

You guys, the last 8 months have been insane. And I know I'm not the only one, so I'd love to hear from you. Leave me a line in the comments section so I can hear what's been going on in your life lately!

What has changed in your life in the last 8 months? What are some of the ups and downs you've experienced? Where have you seen Love?

image credit: Dory

More Reflections

You can see my first set of reflections here.

After reading a blog post from a blog that I truly enjoy, I find myself wanting to write simply for the sake of writing. Not for the comments. Not to send a message. Not to rattle cages or to make someone laugh. I want to write just to write.

Why? Because I find joy in it. Sometimes I find purpose and meaning in it. I don't know that it's "okay" in my mind to write without a purpose, but I wonder if I could be wrong in my thinking.

I write because I believe that God can communicate through my words. However, I know that he could just as easily find another way to give you a pat on the back today. Or to let you hear those words you desperately need. Am I wrong in thinking that God wants to use me?

This hasn't been the easiest few months. I enjoy most things less than I would like to. I believe that God loves us enough to let us enjoy life. But what happens when the joy ceases? Or decreases? Again, does this mean I was wrong and that I'm not to enjoy life? That doesn't seem to make much sense. But then again, that's the case with a lot of happenings in life. Trying to makes heads or tails of these events just makes them more painful.

I know a lot of things to be true. I'm smart, not because of anything I've done, but simply because that's how God created me. I'm not as quiet as I appear - I simply enjoy hearing what others have to say. I know that God has transformed my life in a way that no scientist can explain.

It's those things that I'm unsure of, though, that get me. When it's quiet and no one else is around - something else I enjoy - those things badger me, begging me to validate them.

I know, though, that God never intends those things to be known. Instead, he simply asks that I try to do what he wants me to do, and trust that it'll make sense in the end.

Reflections

I'm scared. I'm nervous.

What if I've lost "it?" What if I never had "it?"

Will my friends notice? Will my family care?

Why did I stop in the first place? 

Why did I even start in the first place?

As I've thought about sitting at this keyboard to write, these are the thoughts that have been swirling amidst everything else that occupies my life.

School, relationships, work, sickness, exercise, holidays. It's all a jumbled mess, but somewhere in there is my dormant desire to be sitting here, right here where I am, writing.

My feet are freezing. But my coffee is warm. My hands are out of practice, and my mind is trying to recollect, to reorganize. It's like riding a bike, but much more vulnerable. I can't skin my knees, but I can rub my heart the wrong way if I'm not careful.

How did I ever do this before?

The thoughts continue.

Regardless of those thoughts, though. I'm here. I'm typing, or writing (if that's what you want to call this jumbled mess).

I'm back because I need to be. Because I've realized this last month and a half that life will always be there to get in the way of what you love to do. I will always be sick and taking extra medicine. I will always have work to do. I will always have relationships to tend to, people to love.

I want, though, above all else, to always be writing, regardless of life's twists and turns. Regardless of these thoughts.

But what if no one reads this?

So what?

That never stopped me before. Why should it now?

Guess Who's Back?

Why, yes, the title of this blog post is an Eminem reference. Whether or not I like his music is up to you to decide...

Ah... It's been a week. A nice, long, refreshing week. Have you missed me? Because I've definitely missed you. I mean that it the non-creepiest way possible.

Over the last week, I managed to achieve oneness with God, devise a plan for world peace, and actually heard and understood every word my wife said to me. 

Just kidding.

My week wasn't nearly that productive. In fact, I, for the most part, sat around.

Sat. On my bum (which I hear is pretty much non-existent to begin with). Ate. Slept. Sat.

See what I'm saying? It wasn't exactly the greatest week of my life. But trust me when I say I needed the break. While breaking from blogging, I also took off from work, in hopes that the extra rest would help my body in the healing process that I hope it's in the middle of. I'm not hedging any bets on that, but it's worth a shot.

I did actually learn something this past week, though. Something pretty interesting. I read 3 books, so you would hope that I have something new going on in my noggin.

I learned that, apparently, (some) writers don't actually like to write.

And I breathed a deep sigh of relief.