Woman Talk

I slept in until 7 AM. I must be sick or something.

Just out of curiosity... how many languages do you know?

5? 7? 2?

Or do you just know 1? (Hopefully no one knows less than that)

I think a lot of us fall under the same category that I'm in: a language "sampler."We know bits and pieces of about 10 different languages, but if we had to survive in a country that spoke any of them, we'd die.

It's not a bad thing. It's just how things are.

For instance, I know bits and pieces of Spanish, French, Chinese, and Krio. I also do know how to read Ancient Greek, but that's about as useful when speaking as knowing how to swim while standing on your head.

However, what I didn't realize until just recently is that I'm slowly learning a new language.

What's funny about this new language I'm learning is that it isn't really voluntary. I'm being immersed in it every day, without reprieve. But I need to know it to survive. And many others out there are going through the same thing right now. Some have only been learning for a few days, and others for decades. But none of us will ever truly master the language known as...

Woman talk.

I know what you might be thinking (if you're a woman, anyway). "We don't speak a different language! Guys just don't listen!" And you're probably right. But in our defense, we don't listen because we don't understand! It's like planting us in Japan and expecting us to navigate. It just doesn't work.

You girls speak a different language!

I have proof, too. Anecdotal proof, but proof nonetheless.

You see, my wife is a beast and loves to run. She's about 37 billion times more in shape than I am. And that's no exaggeration. So she tries to go running everyday.

One day, she went to go running right before we were about to leave to go somewhere. She looks at me as she's leaving, and woman talk starts pouring out of her mouth. It sounded something like, "I’m running 3 miles and then I want to leave." But I'm a woman talk rookie, so I can't be 100% sure. I've consulted experts, and they're still baffled.

Thankfully, though, God blessed me with a wife who knows that I'm as dumb as a rock when it comes to understanding what she's saying. So when that inevitable blank, confused stare passed from my eyes to hers, she nodded in understanding and translated for me.

What she said: "I'm running 3 miles and then I want to leave."

What she meant: "Shower while I'm gone."

Now just look at that. How could any sane human grasp such a ridiculous language? There's no pattern! It makes no sense! What does her running have to do with my personal hygiene?! I haven't a clue!

If you're a guy and you're reading this, you know what I mean. You're nodding your head in understanding as you read, and you're probably trying to figure out a way to crack their code. Don't worry, fellas, it can't be done. I've only been married 2 years and I know that much.

If you're a girl and you're reading this, you're probably shaking your head in disapproval. It seems obvious to you that when my wonderful wife told me she was going running, she meant that she wanted me to shower. It makes total sense to you! However, it does not, and will never, make sense to us guys. So be patient with us.

We're learning. Slowly... Very, very slowly.

(Crud. My wife just left to go run. Better get in the shower!)

Have you ever experienced something like this? Does your spouse sometimes say something that you know means something else? Any funny stories worth sharing about this? I'd love to hear about it in a comment or in an e-mail!