My Feathers Have Been Ruffled

This post is part of my weekly Time for Honesty. I do my best to share something that's on my heart that is honest, sincere, and transparent - something that will get you thinking and get you to be honest with yourself.

The other day I was perusing my infinite list of blogs, reading, enjoying myself, and probably drinking coffee, though I can't be sure (so don't quote me on that). Nothing too earth shattering arose, and I was okay with that. Until I read through K. Syrah's latest post over at Shoes Never Worn: "The Indie Writer/Indie Author."

Darn you, K, for ruffling my feathers.

(She does that sometimes, so if you're into that sort of writing, you should really check out her blog.)

Anyway, K was writing about being an Indie author, and ended her post with a quip that made a lot of sense to me, but made me kind of mad:

Of course, I say that because at this moment, money isn’t an issue, and if one has a full belly, and all the bills are paid, it’s easier to be righteous.

Now when I say that K made me mad, I really just mean she rattled my cage. Because frankly, I'm dealing with this right now, and I was mad that she brought it up and threw it in my face, as if it were no big deal. Don't mind the fact that it's completely illogical for me to be mad at her - after all, she has no clue that this is something I'm wrestling with right now.

Here's the deal: I've really been struggling with trusting God in my finances. This is something I've always taken a little pride in, because I don't want to care about money, so I let God take care of it. Typically, our budget doesn't add up and more goes out than comes in. But at the end of the day, we find ourselves blessed by God for trusting him with our cash.

Lately, though, things have been getting a little tighter. And suddenly, I start wondering. I start doubting.  

Does God care? 

Did I do something wrong? 

Is there a certain ritual I need to perform to fix all of this?

And suddenly, I want to take matters into my own hands. 

You see, that quote I posted from K really shook me because I've found myself beginning to back down from what I so firmly believed when I "had a full belly and all the bills were paid."

I've always believed in God's provision and frankly, He's always one-upped me when it comes to finances, always doing more than I could ever expect. However, lately, it seems like God has all but disappeared from managing our money. And suddenly, I want to stop giving radically. I want to start saving back our money, keeping it for ourselves, instead of supporting our beautiful Compassion children.

But then I'm reminded of my calling:

Give to those who ask.

Don't turn away from those who want to borrow.

Don't store up treasures on earth.

Don't worry about your life.

Don't worry about tomorrow.

Give, God says. Don't worry, He reminds me.  

Give. Don't worry.

I guess it's no coincidence that when Matthew pens those words, he talks about radical giving first and then says not to worry. It's like he knew what his readers would be experiencing as they read his admonition to give without hesitation.

I want so badly to be able to keep giving and enjoy it. And I'm trying. I haven't given up on God, and I guess I've just come to terms with the fact that God is still taking care of me. I'm just being selfish and I want more. Because, obviously, I deserve better. I'm entitled to his blessings. He owes me.

Wrong. Double wrong. In fact, that's all a bucket of lard.

I need nothing more. I deserve nothing better. His blessings are his to give, not mine. And God owes me nothing. In fact, I'm sure it's the other way around. I owe him. A lot. Everything, in fact. And so I keep giving. I keep trusting. I keep hoping. And along the way, I'm trying not to worry, because, hey, what good has worry done any of us anyway?

Did that quote from K hit home with you? Can you relate to my struggle here? Or do you struggle with trusting God for other things, beyond money? What are you having a hard time trusting God with today?

I'd love to hear from you about this (or anything else!). Just drop me a comment or an e-mail! And while you're at it, feel free to share this post with some of your friends!