A Moment of Clarity

This post is part of my weekly Time for Honesty. I do my best to share something that's on my heart that is honest, sincere, and transparent - something that will get you thinking and get you to be honest with yourself.

This summer, I've been working full-time at the Pregnancy Crisis Center in Wichita.

And by "working full-time," I mean interning for no pay.

It's been a wonderful experience so far. I haven't had a job that would be considered full-time since I was 16, so that's been a learning experience in and of itself.

More than that, though, I've had to learn that in any job, you're going to have ups, and then you're going to have downs. And, frankly, you're probably going to have a lot more downs after the first aforementioned downs, and then you might get a single, glimmering up, followed by more downs.


Lately, I've been experiencing a lot of those downs. Allow me to be radically honest with you for a moment:

I don't feel worth the non-pay I'm getting somedays.

After I see clients, I often worry that I've messed something up, forgotten something, or overlooked something obvious that I should've discussed with them.

Frankly, I feel terrible when I get sick and can't do everything I'm supposed to.

I could go on for days about my insecurities at work, but suffice it to say that I struggle with why I'm there, how I'm doing, and what I could be doing better on a regular basis. I experience a lot of downs that wear and tear on my heart.

Thankfully, though, there are still those ups. Those ever elusive moments when I'm reminded of why I'm where I am and I'm reminded of who I am working for. A voice whispers to my heart... 

Whatever you do, do it from the heart for the Lord and not for people.


And so I keep going. I keep working. I keep smiling and enjoying myself. Why? Because I know that, even though I'm not getting paid, and even though some days are just ridiculous and sometimes, people really just suck, I'm not in it for the money or the people. I'm in it for God. I'm in it to serve him and not myself.

This internship may look an awful lot like another item to cross off the checklist for graduation, but honestly, if that was all it were, it wouldn't be worth it. Thankfully, though, that voice keeps whispering to me... 

Whatever you do, do it from the heart for the Lord and not for people. 

And so I keep going. And going. And going.

I'm not giving up because God hasn't given up on me.

Have you experienced times where you've doubted what you're doing for a living? What sort of insecurities do you face as you work? What keeps you motivated and keeps you going? I'd love to hear from you about this (or anything else!). Just leave me a comment or send me an e-mail!